Don’t let your life be defined by your struggle. Let it be defined by how you get over it.
On my last birthday, I shaved my head. All of my friends and colleagues asked me, “Why?” “Do you have any health problems?” “What made you do this?” and so on, asking many questions. I don’t recall having a bald head since I was a youngster. I just smiled and answered, but that answer made them more annoyed.
I don’t recall ever having a bald head since I was a youngster; I just smiled and answered. But that answer made them more annoyed. Anyway, a year later, I decided to share my story.
This story is about me and my feelings. It is not meant to harm anyone’s sentiments or personality. I have an elder brother and a younger sister. So, get this: it turns out we have two more siblings, and both of them are older sisters! I was expected to be a boy, but unfortunately, I was not. My mother always told me that she never held me in front of my brother because she believed that he might feel insecure. So she used to keep me at our neighbor’s house. “By seeing me, my brother got angry and wanted to hit me,” she used to say. My mother used to tell me so many stories about what my brother could do. He had more power and strength. But in my memory, I don’t remember my brother raising his voice or hand against me. He used to be a very cool😎 guy. I’m not sure when listening to all of this nonsense made my brother my biggest rival. I used to do everything he did. I walked and talked like him, ate what he ate, studied what he liked, and played games like he did. I even liked to dress like him. I can’t recall ever playing with toys or any of the activities that girls love. Even our handwriting is identical to 😆😆. I have to admit that he was more than simply my competitor; I loved him more than anyone. I may have followed him to death if I had not encountered Jesus ✝️.
I stopped chasing him in my life. I began to understand that my worth and identity were not based on being a boy or being like my brother. I learned that my value came from being myself, from being unique and different.
Growing up in a society where girls are taught to marry a man and sacrifice their lives for the sake of love, I never wanted that life. Instead, I fought for the right to live life on my own terms, and somehow, I succeeded. I am now self-sufficient and independent, capable of doing all things on my own. However, life is not always a smooth journey. The entire world is well aware of the novel coronavirus, also known as COVID-19🥶.
During the first wave, I managed to stay alone in a working women’s hostel in central Delhi. Even after the first wave had passed, the hostel remained almost vacant, with only a few of us staying there. However, the second wave hit drastically. People were dying everywhere, and ambulance sirens could be heard constantly on the roads. News was ubiquitous, from the internet and TV to mobile devices and social networks. Even calling someone meant hearing bad news about someone else. Being forced to stay alone in a room for a long period of time without being allowed to go anywhere caused me to develop mental illness. Furthermore, my tenancy at the hostel had come to an end, and the management was unwilling to keep old residents any longer. During that time, we were all working from home (WFO). So, I decided to go home. I called my father multiple times, telling him that I wanted to come home. However, every time I asked, he responded with “not now; I will let you know when you can come home.” Time passed, but that day never came. My deadline for the hostel ended, and I had no option but to vacate. I left my hostel and moved to Himachal Pradesh, India, to enjoy remote work from my friend’s hometown. I stayed in a rented house, but because the area was not a tourist destination, it was difficult to find a comfortable place to stay. Moreover, the house was located in the middle of the market, which closed after 5 PM due to COVID protocols. This made the situation worse for me, as I had to run to my friend’s home every day to sleep there, and they appear to be unhappy about that.
So, each state had its own protocols and rules regarding COVID-19. At that time, Odisha didn’t allow home quarantine, which really freaked me out since I wanted to move back home. So, I decided to move to Bhubaneswar, and I talked to my friends who were staying there. Even then, I talked to my father and elder brother-in-laws about my plans for going home. But, they told me that there were no inter-district connections and that no buses or trains were available.
Unfortunately, things did not go as planned. It seemed that when luck was not on my side, everything turned for the worse. At the same time, my office situation was not good either. Things were not working out as planned, and it was not helpful for either of us. So, I decided to talk to the managing director of the company that hired me.
During the call, which lasted no more than two or three minutes, I was not even able to explain the situation I was going through. The managing director said he had another meeting or call and abruptly ended the conversation. Frustrated with the situation, I decided it would be better to quit for my mental peace. Unfortunately, that left me jobless as well.😢
I realized it was more cost-effective to move back home than to continue spending money on lodging and travel in Himachal Pradesh, especially since I was relying on my friend’s family for support. As a result, I booked a flight from Delhi to Bhubaneswar. I first traveled to Chandigarh before heading to Delhi.
I stayed in Bhubaneswar for around fifteen days. I asked my sister about transportation one day, and she told me that night buses and trains are available. So I booked a bus ticket with the help of my friend and went home. Finally!!! 😃
Upon arriving home, I expected my parents to inquire about my journey and well-being, given the current COVID-19 situation. I have seen parents who would do anything to be reunited with their children during these times, but my parents seemed nonchalant about it. It has been a few months since I purchased my first car, which is also the first new car in my family. However, they did not even ask about it, as if they did not care about me or my possessions. Nevertheless, I decided to let it go.
Almost a week had passed when my father said to my brother-in-law that my sister-in-law did not like drinking water from our source, and suggested fitting an RO system in the kitchen or her room. It broke my heart to realize that my father was not being careless; he was being careless about me. Here, I want to clarify that I am not jealous of my sister-in-law. We have a very good and healthy relationship. It broke me that my brother and his family were not staying with my parents. However, they have plans to fix this for their next visit.
As I thought more about it, I began to make connections. I remembered how my father had gathered my brother’s family and my mother together for a family photograph at my elder sister’s daughter’s wedding. At the time, my sisters and I had laughed. I also thought about how he had reacted when he sold a piece of land and received a large amount of money. He had suggested that my brother buy a home in Delhi, but although my second elder sister lived in Delhi, he never mentioned anything about it to her or me. When I asked him about his plans for me, he replied that we had our own futures and that he couldn’t spend his money on us, his daughters. He dumped all of my sisters easily just because they are married, but I remain single. That makes my parents so uncomfortable and unwilling to share their property. There are many incidents and stories, but I prefer not to reveal them all.
I felt ashamed and sad, therefore I decided to stay with my younger sister for a while and never return to Balangir, Odisha. Believe me, being dumped by your parents is more painful than breaking up with any other type of relationship. It was always on my mind and in my heart. I couldn’t even sleep at night. The rejection had a profound impact on me, affecting the way I talked, smiled, and walked—it was everywhere😥. I am not able to grow professionally or personally.
I made the decision to end all of my worldly relationships, leaving no one behind or after me. Therefore, I boldly chose to shave my head👩🏻🦲 in support of all the girls and women who are left behind in society because of their sexuality. This issue is like a cancer in our society, affecting people from all communities. Last year, I was unable to suppress my emotions. After a year, I healed from all my pain and decided to publish my story.
I acknowledge that this is not a particularly remarkable story; there are girls who are facing much greater struggles. However, it is a story about choosing dignity over pettiness, sympathy, or being taken for granted. Throughout my life, I have fought for equality. Education and facilities are not enough; we deserve respect and acceptance. Most of the time, we stay silent for the sake of our family and the fear of society’s judgment. As a result, issues are never resolved in our society. I encourage all of you to speak out against injustice and live with respect.
Be strong and courageous, girls. I know how difficult it is to admit that we have been abandoned by our own family when the world is waiting for a lonely girl to prey on her. Be aware and learn to say “no” and “yes” to the right and wrong opportunities. Don’t pursue emotional support from the wrong people. Hold your emotions until they become a story that can encourage others.
